Grandpa Jim has a stroke

I’ve been really caught up in “For Better or For Worse” the past few weeks. FBorFW is a secret vice of mine. I read it every day and can’t start my day without it. It’s about this family in Canada.

It’s not quite as queer as “Family Circus,” which I can’t look at without imagining an obscene punch line. The other day Billy was holding a broom and all I could think of was him shoving the broom stick up Mommy’s ass. I also like to wear Christmas sweaters, the more garish, the better.

Last week, Grandpa Jim had a stroke. Grandpa Jim has been having a lot of health problems the past few years, like Alzheimer’s. He’s also recently taken to riding a mobility scooter.

A few weeks ago Grandpa Jim and his numero uno lady, Iris, who he shacks up with in their assisted living community, went to Target. Iris was piling all kinds of shit on top of Grandpa Jim in his scooter, like towels and pillow cases. Another old codger on a mobility scooter was shopping with his wife. Pretty soon, Iris was piling shit up on the wrong husband. It was funny.

I would love to have one of those mobility scooters and am always tempted to rent one at Wal-Mart. It’s been a secret dream of mine for a long time. I don’t shop at Wal-Mart anymore because I think it’s the most fascist corporation in the entire world. But I’d love to rent one of Wal-Mart’s mobility scooters and ram into the store displays and managers.

Last week, Elly showed up at Grandpa Jim’s apartment with some prime rib, seconds after Iris found Grandpa Jim staring blankly into space and slumped over in a chair. The next day, Grandpa Jim was in the hospital getting tests. Elly’s dentist husband, John, was there, along with their youngest daughter, April.

I’m scared about this recent plot twist in FBorFW, because I think it’s going to be a drawn out, life lesson. I don’t need my favorite comic to emulate real life, because frankly I’ve been living the drama of caring for a fucked up, elderly parent for the past four years. I want sight gags about Grandpa Jim forgetting where he left his false teeth, and mobility scooters. That’s humor.

The past few days, April, who is fifteen, has been seeking solace in her developmentally disabled friend, Shannon. Shannon is in special education at their high school. Today, Shannon told April how awesome therapists were, and now April feels a little better about Grandpa Jim drooling in a stroke-ridden state in the hospital.

I’m really afraid that Grandpa Jim isn’t going to pull through. At least the Pattersons have Canada’s national health care system working for them. They don’t have to worry about losing all their assets putting Grandpa Jim in a decent nursing home, or hiding money from Medicaid like you have to do in the United States. I’m sure that Grandpa Jim will receive the finest care socialist medicine has to offer.

I think we should start a prayer circle for Grandpa Jim.