A Confederacy of Pussies

Sooner or later, PDD is going to have to get political. I figure that most of the three or four people who regularly read this blog pretty much hate Bush already and think he is the worst president since, well, I don’t know, maybe Harding, Hoover and Nixon, and a few other dead white guys from the 19th century all rolled into one, including Judas, the disciple that betrayed Jesus, with some rotting birds from the avian flu epidemic multiplied by X squared thrown in.

I’m preaching to the choir at the Church of Our Lady of the Mattress, right? And if someone is random blogging and happens to think that George W. Bush is the second coming of Jesus, well, there’s not much I can say that’s going to change your opinion of him and visa versa.

I’m too tired to articulate my knee-jerk reactionary anger over the rapid disintegration of this country or the millions of misguided minds out there who think Jesus is directly communicating with Chimpy in the Oval Office, maybe even possibly giving him a blow job, too, who can’t see our collective quality of life going down the toilet. I've given up hope that our government will ever make a bargain with the population that doesn't put the almighty buck before the good of the American people.

I don’t think I was ever angrier or despised a president more as I did in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina watching modern day genocide take place on the streets of New Orleans. I mean, it pissed me off so much that it brought on one of the worst cases of irritable bowel syndrome that I have ever experienced in my life. It got so bad that I had to go out and buy a Fleet enema. By the time I finished shooting it up my ass, my bathroom looked like the Louisiana Super Dome.

So I woke up this morning and started channel surfing, hitting the Sunday morning news shows. Seems like the big topic is the threat of a possible avian flu pandemic and how our federal government is unprepared. Gee, I find that so surprising.

Bird flu is showing up in ducks in Europe, chickens in Indonesia, Viet Nam and China, and turkeys in Turkey. U.S. health agencies are predicting the deaths of 1.9 million Americans should an avian flu pandemic sweep our land. But Idiot Boy has a plan to quell an epidemic should it hit U.S. soil, based on our federal government’s hugely successful military response to the mess down in New Orleans.

We’ll put Rumsfeld in charge of our nation’s civilian police force. Sure, it’s unprecedented and maybe even possibly unconstitutional, but Chimpy can do whatever the hell he wants because he’s CRAZY AND IN CHARGE. What's left of the U.S. military that isn't in Iraq will help enforce quarantines in areas hit by avian flu.

So does this mean we’ll be shot if we leave our homes to go to Walgreen’s or Rite Aid to buy TheraFlu? Will we get paid for time off from work if we have to spend six weeks under house arrest just because we got the flu? Will the feds pick up medical costs for the uninsured? What if there’s a biological terrorist attack and Al Qaeda puts anthrax in the nation’s supply of Healthy Choice microwave entrees while there’s an avian flu pandemic going on?

According to Idiot Boy’s Secretary of Health Michael Leavitt, our nation’s multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical companies simply can’t produce enough anti-viral vaccine in the next four months to thwart this mutated strain of bird flu. The Bush Administration doesn’t want to pay for it, you mean.

Considering that the nation’s aerospace industry produced more than 300,000 military aircraft between 1941 and 1945 – 9,000 war planes rolled off the nation’s assembly lines during March of 1944 alone – I think we could produce a shit load of Tamiflu vaccine if we really put our minds to it.

Relax, folks. Yeah, it’s possible that a whole lot of people will get sick for a few days and get over it and return to their crappy cubicle jobs, but why should this be different than any other flu season? There’ll be disgusting vomit, mucus and diarrhea oozing from every orifice of our bodies, but we’ll be okay.

A lot of us got sick during the great Asian Flu Pandemics in 1967 and 1968 and probably don’t even realize it. I came down with a hell of a flu right before Christmas vacation in 1968. My parents even left me alone sick on the couch while my whole family went to my cousin’s wedding and didn’t get home until after midnight. You can see how concerned they were about the global pandemic. I was sick as a dog right up until Santa Claus came, and by then I was too busy playing with my Spiro-Graph and Jane West Cowgirl action figure and listening to my brother’s copy of “The White Album” to even care. I recovered and spent the rest of Christmas break happily sledding and ice skating in -20 degree temperatures.

Americans have become the biggest pussies in the world. We have a pussy president and vice-president who dodged the draft during the Viet Nam War, yet they sure are quick to send a bunch of other people's kids to be IED fodder in some hellhole. Our president wasn’t even man enough to show up for national guard duty, let alone look the country in the eye while making his phony apology accepting responsibility for the federal government's slow response to Hurricane Katrina.

We're so frightened of bacteria and germs you'd think we were pissing in our drinking water in this country. Now we have even more household chemicals polluting our soil and landfills with products like disinfectant wipes to wipe the spills off our smelly kitchen countertops and lots of other toxic shit designed to cut through household grit and grime. I think I’d be more worried more about all the freight trains that are rolling through our communities carrying molten sulfur.

After 9/11, we've been so eager to hand over our civil liberties that we might as well give up all of our freedom the way the Bush administration is grabbing it away from us little by little. Looking in everyone’s backpack on the subway or checking to see what books we take out of the library is not going to protect our country from terrorism. This country’s been spoiled as far as war actions on our own turf. We’re all falling apart when we should be singing “The White Cliffs of Dover” like the Brits during World War II. America isn’t going to be worth living in by the time Bush gets through wrecking it.

I couldn’t switch off the Sunday morning news shows fast enough and turn on the Chicago Marathon in time to see the winner of the wheelchair division roll across the finish line. It inspired me so much that I might enter next year’s marathon if I can ride a Rascal.

There is one encouraging sign from all these horrible events that have piled up during the past few months in addition to Bush’s plummeting poll numbers: the smirk is finally getting knocked off that smug bastard’s face and replaced by that wide-eyed look of fear we've all grown to love.

So you see. my political opinions are a mess. Aren't you glad you asked?