I live for this

Well, the Chicago White Sox won the World Series last night. As a Cubs fan, I don’t know what to think. You can’t be a true Chicagoan without hating one of the city’s two baseball teams. If there were a world series for marketing, then the Chicago Cubs would be a fucking dynasty. But I don’t hate the Sox, just their fans.

In all fairness to Sox fans, I probably hate Cub fans even more – or at least majority of them. The Cubs have simply become too trendy and adorable for my taste. There are too many yuppies trying to impress each other by buying up all the game tickets just so they can walk around the world’s largest outdoor beer garden talking on their cell phones and treating the game on the field as if it were an annoyance.

It’s disgusting how many idiots continue to fill Wrigley Field to capacity year after year just to watch crap, all of them professing how they are the most LOYAL and LONG-SUFFERING fans when they’ve only lived in Chicago for like two years. Unless you’ve suffered through 1969, 1984, 1989, 1998 and 2003, and sat in the stands in pouring cold rain in September when the Cubs were 23 ½ games out of first place and stinking up Lake View, you’re not a true Cubs fan.

Going to Cubs games used to be fun before they morphed into America’s team after WGN became a “Super Station” during the 1980s and America got “cableized.” It was more fun going to games in the 1970s when there’d be only a few thousand people in Wrigley Field and you could drop acid or snort TIC or Angel Dust. I remember one game in 1978 when my friend Karol and I somehow scored box seats in the first few rows off of first base. I don’t even remember how we got these tickets because they were the kind of seats that asshole celebrities or CEOs of major corporations get – not a couple of trippy 21-year-olds.

Anyway, the Cubs were playing the Los Angeles Dodgers and the big story sweeping the news that week was how Steve Garvey’s wife Cindy left him and was staying at Marvin Hamlisch’s house for some unexplained reason. We were really trashed and screaming at Garvey through the whole game, “Hey, Steve, how’s Marvin?” Garvey kept looking at us and we started yelling more things like, “Marvin must have a really big dick!” Along about the third or fourth inning, some Andy Frain usher comes over and tells us that if we don’t stop harassing Mr. Garvey, they’re going to throw us out of Wrigley Field. Well, that was a huge mistake because it just got us going even more. Garvey even made an error, missing an easy throw to first base, he was so pissed at us. I can’t believe that Garvey was so rattled by a couple of young girls. We weren’t the pretty type that ballplayers wanted to fuck. I still think Steve Garvey is a dick, especially after the Padres came back and won the 1984 NLCS when the Cubs choked after winning the first two games.

But I am a baseball fan, and I’d rather see a Chicago team in the World Series than, ho hum, New York, Boston or any team from California. I really enjoy baseball because it’s the only sport that I understand. I still haven’t figured out what a down is in football. One of the things I enjoy most about watching major league baseball games in other cities are the accoutrements that fans bring to the games with them. Like what’s up with those fucking sticks that the Angels and Astros fans kept banging together? They don’t let you bring crap like that into Wrigley Field because there have been too many incidents where fans have thrown stuff on the field. For example, on Ron Santo Precious Moment Cherished Teddy Day in 2000, they distributed vouchers to fans in the bleachers to pick up their Ron Santo Precious Moment Cherished Teddies after the game. In Chicago, they know better than put anything in the hands of fans of both baseball teams that could potentially become a flying projectile.

Aside from having to listen to South Side Shanty Irish Sox fans brag about the stupid Sox for the next 88 years, I enjoyed watching the Sox kick everyone’s asses during the playoffs. My boyfriend refused to watch any of the games and kept saying how he hoped the Sox’ plane would crash midair into Air Force I. It kind of pissed me off about the Cubs especially after their whiny, selfish attitudes these past couple of years. Why Baker didn’t get off his ass and go out and calm down Moises Alou when he was having his hissy fit after that idiot Steve Bartman interfered with a foul ball that was still in play, or tell Mark Prior to just brush it off during Game 6 of the 2003 NLDS playoffs is a mystery for the ages. I was five outs away from fulfilling my Cubs Old Style pledge by giving Ronnie Woo-Woo a blow job.

I’m jealous of the leadership and team chemistry of the 2005 Sox. I’d screw any of ‘em – Ozzie Guillen, Paul Konerko, Scott Podsednik, Jermaine Dye, Joe Crede, A.J. Pierzynski. I mean, if you wanted to screw Kerry Wood of the Cubs for example, he’d be like, “you’re hurting my arm!” Anyway, Wood hasn’t had a healthy season since he mowed down 13 Astro batters in 1998. I’m sick of the Cubs paying Kerry Wood $28 million and having him be out for a whole season after pitching one game because his fucking arm is always lame.

But there is a bright spot to all of this because I’m already seeing signs of phony, North Side Cubs fans jumping on the Sox bandwagon. I went to go watch Game 4 of the series at a bar on the North Side with some friends last night. A couple of guys walked in wearing White Sox jerseys, pretending like they’ve been Sox fans for the past 100 years. Toward the end of the game, my friends and I, all Cubs fans, were the only ones yelling or showing any enthusiasm while these guys in the Sox jerseys were sitting on their hands. I mean, if that was the Cubs up on the TV screen about to win the World Series, they would have been bringing me out a defibrillator.

I was like, “C’MON, LET’S SHOW SOME ENTHUSIASM FOR YOUR TEAM, MR. PHONY GUYS IN THE WHITE SOX JERSEYS! THIS MAY NOT HAPPEN AGAIN FOR ANOTHER 50 YEARS!” Anyway, after the Sox won, my friends and I were the only ones screaming and yelling, “LET’S SHOOT OFF OUR GUNS!” and giving Babs and ‘41’ who were sitting behind home plate wearing Astros jackets the finger. (BTW, didn’t Barbara Bush’s head look like giant cotton ball?) We thought about running down Belmont Avenue and tipping over some cars and looting, but got bored and ordered more beer instead. We did knock over a few bar stools.

At least I got see some Chicago team win a World Series. I’ve been waiting my whole fucking life. I was able to watch some quality baseball being played in my own city for a change. Anyway, let the Sox be Chicago’s team for awhile. Those guys deserve it. Let the phony yuppie Cubs fans defect to the South Side next year where they can yak on their cell phones in the aptly named U.S. Cellular Field. Have yourselves a good fucking time.

As for myself, I don’t plan on buying any Sox gear or jumping on the Sox bandwagon. I’ve been riding enough wagons lately, like the Weed Wagon, but that’s a whole other story.