Secret recipe for my famous pumpkin seeds

If you’re like me, you probably ate all the Almond Joys that were in the Halloween bowl and are constipated from the chocolate. Here’s nice salty treat to balance all the sweets you’ve been consuming before the trick-or-treaters come around. Or, if you’re a registered sex offender and are banned in your state from distributing candy to children, here’s something to take your mind off the young Ninja Turtles and princesses scurrying down your street.

Every Halloween, I make a big bowl of my famous kick-ass pumpkin seeds. There’s nothing better than a piping hot pumpkin seed straight off the cookie sheet. Pumpkin seeds are easy to make and FUN and are good for the prostate, if you’re a guy (at least according to Mel Gibson). I’m pretty obsessive compulsive about saving every seed that comes out of the gourd. I’d just as soon throw away the pumpkin after I clean it out, because carving a face on it is too much work.

First, find yourself a pumpkin that is rich in seed. I find that the heavier the pumpkin, the more likely it is to be filled on the inside with pumpkin junk. In past years, I’ve selected pumpkins that, though large and globule, felt light when I picked them up. When I got the pumpkins home and cut them open, I was bitterly disappointed with their low seed count. So you see size doesn’t matter. Try picturing the pumpkin with really large testicles.

After you get your pumpkin home, cut it open. Get a colander and throw all the guts into it, so you can separate the seeds. It’s probably a good idea not to let your 70-year-old alcoholic neighbor help you after she’s had three vodka-and-tonics, as mine did this evening, because I ended up having to fish a lot of the seeds out of the garbage while listening to her yell at me: “IT’S ONLY A FEW SEEDS! YOU SHOULD PUT THIS MUCH ENERGY INTO FINDING A FULL-TIME JOB!”

I like to think about all the Biblical references to seed because it takes my mind off of Halloween being a celebration of Satan. The Bible is just ga-ga with seed. “A farmer went out to sow his seed.” “I have given you every herb that yields seed.” “Cast your seed on fallow ground.” I never knew there was so much semen in the Bible. I like to think of these metaphors as I stick a cookie sheet full of pumpkin seeds into a 350-degree oven.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. After you’ve cleaned out the inside of your pumpkin, quickly separate the seed from the pumpkin guts after you’ve sent your neighbor home to fix herself another drink and to bring you one while she’s at it, because you’re still on the weed wagon. Rinse the pumpkin seeds thoroughly in the colander, under the faucet. Cast some seed on to a cookie sheet. Blot them dry with a paper towel.

Next, spray the seeds with some of that spray-on skillet oil until they glisten. (I prefer the olive oil spray, but you can use vegetable oil spray or the fake buttered popcorn spray.) Sprinkle some salt on to the seeds. The past few years I’ve used the coarse sea salt which works great. You can also throw some red hot sauce, or nutmeg or cinnamon on the seeds, but I like the salty, greasy goodness of my recipe.

Stick the seeds into the oven. Set the timer for 10 minutes. Turn on the “700 Club” and get yourself a bag of the fun-size Hershey bars with almonds. Polish off a few of these as you think of all the people out there in television land whose warts and cancer are being cured by Pat Robertson, or how “Scooter” is a really stupid name for a grown man. Think about all the seed in the world that is being spewed in non-reproductive sex acts, but you’re saving the excess seeds by spraying them with chemically-laden cooking spray and covering them with salt so your tribe can multiply, and how it’s an excellent source of roughage, even better than candy corn!

Flip the seeds over with a spatula. I like to check the pumpkin seeds' texture by reaching into the oven and grabbing one off the cookie sheet. Re-set the oven timer for ten minutes and open another bag of candy that you’re saving for the trick-or-treaters. You can always run out and buy more on Halloween. The seeds should finish cooking between 20 and 30 minutes. When they turn brown take them out of the oven. Prepare the next batch.

Force your friends and family to sample your pumpkin seeds and listen to them exclaim, “These don’t taste like the ones you buy at the store.” As you can see from my recipe for my famous pumpkin seeds, there are dozens of lessons you can weave into their preparation with your little ones, about God, Jesus and sperm.

Anyway, there’s a whole bunch of Hurricane Katrina survivors staying up the road from me. I’m going to take them some of my famous pumpkin seeds and bring some joy into their lives.